So to update all of you readers... I am engaged and pregnant.

yay right?

actually I'm very happy about my news, but at the same time very saddened.

There are way too many things that have come up and not very many have been good ones.

the big question is "when are we getting married"

we both agreed on 2010. its best that way so at least our child by then will be old enough to be left alone (as in with a baby sitter) while we take an appropriate honeymoon.

but!!! now the question is what date. i've asked about 3 times. and finally had my mouth shut when he said he's not ready to set a date.

and that is not important to him to set a date right now.

i say this to all men out there. if you're not ready to set a date. then why get engaged? do you not know that a wedding and pregnancy are 2 of the most important things in a woman's life? i mean i have waited my whole life to get married and enaged. to only have it feel like a half assed commitment.

some words that hurt about this day were the words "i dont want to be a statistic." the others were "its not important to ME to set a date right now"

ok

so there goes that. i will not mention the infamous wedding anymore. i will tak about the pregnancy and how much i need you there with me right now.

another major reason why we are both working on getting him a new job. something that wont require him to work nights or weekends. like he does now. so i wont be home alone anymore like i have been for a year and half. and even more so now that i will be showing soon, and things are going to start to get a little harder for me to do from now on. but yet... he wants to take on a second job... club promoting. (which is not a family man's job) he says the money will be good it will help us out. and its "one night a week" (yeah for now). and he'll be out all NIGHT LONG AT A CLUB while his preggers fiancee is at home waiting on him.

is it me? or is that wrong? how fair and decent does that sound to you. i mean really. i'm blowing up like a balloon by the second and you want to be out at a club all night "promoting" b/c you think its good money?

why not work harder to get a BETTER DAY JOB so you can be there when i need you most?

is that irrational?

is that selfish?

he says he wants to be there for me and the baby. so how is making a few extra cash a night going to help IF YOU'RE NOT GOING TO BE THERE WHEN IT MATTERS MOST? the whole point of getting a new job for him and finding one, is b/c we want "normal" hours. he wants normal hours.

and now he wants to work at a club?

i've done club promoting for a long long time. and i know very well how the business works. and nothing good will come out of this, his pockets will be a little more full, as well as his schedule, which means less time at home, and less time to be there like he says he WANTS TO BE.

i'm tired. i'm frustrated. i'm recovering from bronchitis. and i'm down right out of patience. i'm running on the pure adrenaline of love... which this baby is giving me. daddy puts ideas in his head that make sense to him, and b/c mommy doesnt agree and opens her mouth to say so. its going to be a fight. and then mommy is the bitch for saying something and then it never fails for him to say "its always your way"

um hello?!

am i the only one seeing that this is not about me and this is about us? about our future? and the fact that yes i do need him there but wouldnt you want to be there especially at night if something happens or needs to be done for the baby? or for the person carrying the child that will need assistance? its enough that i will be back in school and working and to add to my ball of stress i will be living under his parents roof for the next 6 months for him. and for us to "save money for our home." and meanwhile. the one making the sacrifice hear is the one who needs to be comfortable but wont be.. BC ITS NOT MY HOME. how hard is it for people to understand that. ITS NOT MY HOME. NO ES MI CASA. its not my comfort zone. and i hate it. i hate the idea. i've hated it since day one. and again. i support his decision. and again i'm making the sacrifice for him. ugh.

someone throw me some ice cream or something to mellow me out. my eyes are full of tears and i think its best i just stop talking and just go on with it day by day till it falls to shambles b/c i can't say anything w/o it me being "negative" or "controlling." i want what is best for us ... and after a year and half what is best for us is to together and there with each other. not apart and lonely waiting up till the wee hrs of the night for the other to come home buzzed or drunk after a night out in a club.