truth be told... i'm a little scared.

terried... afraid... its all just adding up to nothing good yet.

i went to the dr yesterday. I have blood clots.     I spend last nite in bed just crying. It hurt so bad to move. I have been having sharp pains go through my body. It feels as if I got hit by a truck. The worse pain you can ever imagine.

Lately i've shut out ppl. for the simple reason that i'm tired of hearing what i "need" to do. Dont freakin' tell me what to do!!! i hate that. you dont know how it feels to know that you can drop dead before reaching 30. You dont know how it feels to have your body physically ache so bad that you cant do anything but cry. You have no idea how it feels to take pain killers and have it not even tickle my pain.

Don't tell me what to do guys. Please. DO NOT TELL ME HOW TO FEEL. B/c trust me, you have no idea. I dont want anything from anyone. But for my loved ones that want to be there for me. I just need someoen to listen sometimes. Venting feels good. Sometimes I cant do anything but cry, so just give me a hug. I'll be okay with time.

Monday I have an appointment with a specialist.    They do not want to put me on blood-thinners. They say i'm too young, and putting me on blood thinners can be very risky.   we're trying other alternatives, and just basically seeing what we can do. Its just really hard.