I've had some weird dreams lately. Some very awkward, some very scary. A few nights ago I woke up in tears, sweating, shivering. I dreamt that I was raped... I lived that horror all over again in my dream. It was a nightmare. I felt the person inside me.. pushing, yelling, hitting me.... I dont think I've ever been so scared. That morning I couldnt go back to sleep. I took a shower, I laid out in the tub under the running water. Somethings from the past I will never be able to change, and it hurts. I'm not quite sure as to why I've started to have these nightmares. But they get worse each day.

Last night after talking to my honey, I felt more at ease than what I had felt in a long while. I started to fall asleep on the phone which was a good enough sign that I was relaxed, but unfortuanately... my dreams got the best of me. I started to have nightmares about him. I woke again in tears, but this time... I said "i'm ok" and tossed and turned till I fell back asleep.

I'm scared of so many things.. I guess its just my self-conscious playing games with me. This is the first time in 10 years that my life is going okay... and I have no real excuse to be ungrateful. For the first time in a long time, I feel like I've opened up my heart to someone who is worth all the trouble and hard time I've been through. For once, things at home are ok. No real rocky moments. No bickering, no bashing. Its nice. School... well its keeping me busy, but I'm confident that I will finish without a problem *though there are time when I feel like I wont* Work, yeah... I'd like to be making a decent salary.. but they are giving me something that not every job will give me... a flexable schedule. They are patient with me and my school work. My education comes first, and they respect that. Maybe sometime soon, I can get that raise. My friends.. well I miss them; and soon we'll all get a chance to see each other. *the holidays are coming up* So far things are great. My honey and I are doing well.♥ I miss him, and honestly its tough at times to grow adjusted to the change of his schedule every couple of weeks. And its hard that by the time he has a day off... I'm so dead tired, that I really can't completely enjoy myself. But for once in my life... I'm having patience. I think he deserves it... and we deserve it. After all the drama from the past that came and haunted us in the present... I think we do deserve a fair try. And from the looks of things.. .we're getting just that.

Maybe my mind is playing games with me. Maybe I'm just self-consciously scared of whats going on in my life. Recieving a degree, completing the first phase of college, having a steady job in the field I want a career in*not many college students can say that*, a great family that supports me, a wonderful bf, I've started to go back to church... and I feel great. I even started going to the gym today!!!

Guess I just needed to vent a little... clear my head. Its just been awhile since i've been "well rested". Maybe my sleeping "habits" will improve soon.

♫ sometimes I feel that I'm so lucky to have had the chance to love this much... God give me a moments grace... Cause'if never see your face... I probably wouldn't see this way♫